Gatlinburg, Tennessee. Eww.

“Here, we fill our spirits, seek inspiration, and continue the journey toward what we know is right. In Gatlinburg, we Reach Higher Ground.”

– The Gatlinburg Chamber of Commerce

If the Smoky Mountains National Park were to have an opposite, it would be Gatlinburg, Tennessee, the city at its doorstep. In just a few short blocks, the tourist trap contains 400 shops and five malls, plus a mess of arcades, mini golf courses, wax museums and mirror mazes. Though Gatlinburg claims to be about “the simple goodness of small town life,” where people gather to “stand in awe of nature’s glory,” the only thing green inside the city limits is the bills constantly changing hands.

My friend Cheri and I ventured into the Smoky Mountain town to grab dinner before a backpacking trip this weekend. We ate burritos under the beer flags on the No Way José’s Cantina patio, then strolled along Greenbrier Road, the main strip, to take in the sights.

Things you’ll find along Gatlinburg’s main strip, over and over and over again:

  • That “Grandma’s Punkin” airbrushed T-shirt you’ve always wanted.
  • Leg lamps (which can make “the soft glow of electric sex” glow from YOUR window TOO!)
  • Sailboats, elephants and unicorns sculpted of clear glass, perfect for the top-lit curio cabinet in your living room.
  • Chinese knives, swords and cutlery (because… this makes sense in a Tennessee mountain town?)
  • Hotels advertising their dance floors, hot tubs — and AARP specials.
  • Pancake houses. Seriously, there are like 15 in five blocks.
  • Tuxedo and wedding gown rental shops beside white-washed wedding chapels.
  • People pushing their dogs in strollers.
  • Old Tyme Picture Shops, where you can have your photo taken in a saloon or with the money bags from the bank you just robbed.

As we passed the front door of one of these picture shops, we saw woman in a frilly red dress posing in front of the saloon backdrop with a man who was completely naked, save the top hat he held as a codpiece. A fellow passerby, a woman in her mid-40s, yelled at him from the street. “Tip your hat!” she said. Then she clarified, “Not your HEAD, your HAT!”

Once you leave Gatlinburg and enter the national park, you will fall to your knees and weep with relief, if you’re not too sick from all the fudge and candied apples. And then you’ll feel like you’re a whole lot closer to Reaching Higher Ground.

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7 Responses to “Gatlinburg, Tennessee. Eww.”

  1. Beth Rucker Says:

    You forgot the bumper-to-bumper traffic.

    All of this is quite the reason why I take the Townsend entrance to the park whenever I go.

  2. angie Says:

    I can’t explain in words how much I hate Gatlinburg, but your blog sums in up for me. Did I ever tell you about my last trip there when I had to cover a park service meeting? Hell on Earth.

  3. stilllifeinbuenosaires Says:

    I had a couple of friends who got married in Gatlinburg. I’d call it the sad Vegas of the south.

    Did you go to Dollywood?

  4. poo Says:

    bitter much?

  5. Ashley Says:

    LOL–I have just spent the entire day going back and forth Gatlinburg to hike to some waterfalls I hadn’t seen yet. I had hoped to see my last remaining falls…Grotto….and escape the maddening crowds but was held up by a ONE HOUR LONG traffic jam on Roaring Fork road due to everyone in Florida, New Jersey and various and sundry other states shrieking and photographing a baby bear that was in the woods. People just parked in the middle of the road and went off to harass the bear. I was so relieved to leave Gatlinburg that I indeed DID get teary-eyed and sang all the way back to Asheville. Currently I am uploading pics and while waiting googled “I hate gatlinburg” to see what came up. Your blog make me laugh out loud. Thanks for the relief.

    • xtinac Says:

      What a nightmare! I’m glad you made it out of that airbrushed hellhole safely. I hope the baby bear managed a getaway too!

  6. Joe F Says:

    Totally agree. I will NEVER, EVER go to Gatlinburg again!
    Went there with our three children who wanted to ice skate at Ober. We spent two hours standing in line, and $60, to take the tram to the top of the mountain. Kids skated for 30 minutes then another 2/12 hours standing in line to get the hell back down. It is the worst tourist trap imaginable. The city council members and chamber of commerce personel should be fired for destroying such a beautiful area. There are obviously no good stewards of the city that are in power. You should be ashamed.

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